the world is bloody awful but you are everything
by Gabi Evans
Summary: His attraction to her was not out of the ordinary – he was always painfully, depressingly aware of her presence anywhere, capable of identifying and discerning her from everyone else in the exact, suspensive moment when she entered any room – but her positive reaction to it definitely was.


**the world is bloody awful right now but you are everything**

She was staring at him whilst leaning her head on one of her hands. Her face was framed by a few stray locks that rebelled against her loose plait, which made him want to reach out from across the table and tuck them behind her ears.

Her lips tilted up again at the corners in amusement when she caught him looking.

His attraction to her was not out of the ordinary – he was always painfully, depressingly aware of her presence anywhere, capable of identifying and discerning her from everyone else in the exact, suspensive moment when she entered any room – but her positive reaction to it definitely was. It'd been happening for about a month now. At first, she would send him thoughtful looks that later on gave way to an endearment that James felt too wary to believe completely.

Although engaging on conversation and cracking jokes along everyone else, her eyes were continuously searching for his. It'd happened five times already that night (six, now that she sent him another one of those assessing stares after she laughed at Mary for something or other that James wasn't buggered enough to listen). He looked away yet again, the first one to break contact for the sixth time. He couldn't help but feel hopeful, although he did try so bloody hard not to be.

He saw in his peripheral vision her smile stretching across those full, beautiful lips of hers, her green eyes boring holes on his face.

All of them, the sixth year Gryffindors, were squashed together almost at the end of their table, and that wasn't a novelty – it'd rather been a new regular for them. James thought it might've been the perspective the recent attacks had given to everyone in the wizarding world: outside of the school grounds, everyone that was against that bloody psychopath knew they'd have to lean on one another sooner or later.

He was trying to keep that mindset when it came to Lily, as well, to stop interpreting every little thing that she did as something other than her realisation that they defended the same thing.

Recently, it'd been difficult to keep that mindset. Not because they were close, they weren't, their friendship was the one that the closeness of their group dynamics hadn't yet been enough to forge, although he _had_ apologized for being a git last year and told her he was sorry for how things happened. (He obviously left out the fact that he couldn't be more glad that she wasn't walking around with Snivellus anymore, especially now.)

He had thought that she'd never look at him again after that day, but Lily said she had given many more chances to people much more likely to disappoint her, and that was that. Even then, he felt unusually subdued next to her, as if any word could make their attempted acquaintanceship combust.

And they seemed to be around each other often, and yet he felt the need to continue carefully. After a summer of hard thinking on his part and beating himself up for being so tactless with what he had said that day by the lake, the idea of disappointing her was a little too much to bear, so he consciously held back.

She didn't have the same worries, if the looks she was sending him were any indication. The reason for them kept confusing him, but it wasn't possible that she didn't know he loved her, had loved her for a pathetically long time. The whole school was well aware of it. Either she was a very blind person, which, knowing her, was extremely unlikely, or she meant something with it.

There was a third option: maybe he was just too into his own head. It wouldn't be the first time when it came to her.

"That's bullshit, Evans", Padfoot was saying, barking a laugh. "There's no way it was you."

"I'm telling you!", she said, amusedly, lowering her arms on the table. James turned her eyes to her, and she was still looking back. She smirked before turning her attention to Sirius. "It was me. You can ask Mary, she was with me that day."

"It's true, really", Mary agreed, her mouth still full of chicken rice. "She was just—"

"Don't speak whilst eating, Mare", Marlene intervened.

"I appreciate it", Peter said, stopping to dig through the potatoes to look up at the girls immediately across from him. "She almost blinded me with that pork the other day."

"That's not even remotely true", James pointed out, his eyes following the conversation, glad to be free of Lily's hold. "It hit your chin. I remember because you walked around with spit on your face the whole day."

"It was all dried up by the end of the afternoon", Peter agreed, smoothly, not even remotely disgusted by it.

Marlene pretended to throw up.

"There are people trying to eat here, ya know", Lily quipped. James glanced at her empty plate with a raised brow. She noticed and shrugged at him, amused. "I didn't say it was me."

"You were the one that made a bet with him, Mary", Remus was saying whilst serving himself some chocolate cake when James was able to pull his eyes away from Lily's. "Never make a bet with Wormtail. That's just asking for disgusting shite like that."

"I resent that", Peter announced.

"Never mind it", Sirius interrupted. "I want to know how Lily ended Slughorn's party."

"It was easy", the redhead answered, dismissive. "I placed the dungbombs all around the food table. No one could eat or drink without getting a good sniff of it."

"But how no one saw you?", Sirius asked, still suspicious. "Slughorn would've seen it. He can't be away from his mead for long."

"Well, Mary and I were dancing together all over the place, at first", she explained. A bit of her hair fell on her eyes and she tucked it into her ear. James couldn't help but follow the motion, watching her fingers until they were drumming on the table. "I had no intention of ending it, really, but it was so boring, and Mare was a great date for about fifteen minutes, then she left me for Edgar Bones."

"I can't imagine how heartbroken you were", Remus said, an ironic smile on his lips.

"I got over it quickly, really, with a good dose of scotch."

"No, she cried for a week", Mary said, having swallowed her food. "It's hard to get over me."

"You are lovely, Mare, but you understand my interest lays elsewhere", Lily said, offhandedly, before turning to look at the boys again. James felt his heart tick at her words, but again didn't know what to do of them. Was there someone? "Slughorn kept introducing me to ancient wizards that were very, very inappropriate. So I had to end it. Luck was that I had just gotten a few dungbombs on Hogsmead!"

"And you were just walking around with it, yeah? No intentions behind it?", James asked, his head still reeling, but attentive to her every word.

Lily was already looking back. She blinked slowly, erasing her face of any malice. When she was happy like that it was impossible to not notice her magnetism. "Of course not, James", she said, her mouth forming his name softly. He cursed inwardly, trying not to think of different circumstances in which he wanted her saying his name _exactly_ like that. "I would never."

Sirius pointed her fork at her. "You are my glory and pride, Lily Evans."

"Not that it's a good thing, mind", Remus drily added.

"Of course it's a good thing", an effusive Lily said. "That's exactly what I've always strived to be: Sirius Black's glory and pride."

"You bring tears to my eyes", Sirius sighed.

"You've been around us too much", Moony noticed, amused.

"Isn't that true", Marlene agreed. "Thank Merlin we'll leave in two days. I don't know how much more of you I can handle."

"Which is why you invited us over to your house, I'm certain, McKinnon", Sirius pointed.

"Oh!", Mary said, suddenly, off the bench in a second. "I completely forgot to tell mum! I need to go to send her a letter."

"I'll come with", Marlene said, immediately, raising herself up. "Lily?"

"Can we meet in the Common Room?", she asked, her eyes rabbiting to James's face and then turning to her friends again. "I want to have a word with James. If he wants to, of course."

"Yeah, all right", he said, feeling his insides turn into jam. Lily gave him a bright smile.

"Okaaay", Mary said, laughingly, exchanging a look with Marlene. "We'll go, then. Any of you lads would be interested in—"

"Absolutely", Sirius said, jumping out of his seat in a second.

"Undoubtedly", Remus followed.

It was silent at the table for a beat. Peter continued eating.

"You, as well, Wormy", Sirius ordered.

"But I didn't finish—"

"Take them with you", Remus suggested, walking over and handing Peter the whole bowl of potatoes. "You have a few minutes before the elves summon it back."

"Okay", Peter said slowly, staring at Remus he might've gone insane. He raised himself as well. "Later, Prongs, Lily."

"Don't eat too much, Prongs", Sirius quipped. "You wouldn't want to choke and die on the Great Hall."

"I wouldn't want to choke and die anywhere", James replied, a bit slow in his usual rhythm of banter. "Try not to break your neck whilst going up the stairs."

"Will do, mate", he said, raising both brows at James and giving him a shitty grin. Knowing that meant he was about to say something he shouldn't, James tried to make him back off by widening his eyes in alarm, but it was – as usual – no use. "I need to be alive to hear the news of your awaited engagement first."

James could punch this fucking shite on the face.

"Bugger off, Black", Lily said, cheerily. "Let me propose first."

Well. Suddenly James couldn't feel his legs.

"Yeah, yeah", Sirius agreed, still smirking.

"Don't mind him", Remus said, hitting Sirius on the head.

"You are terrible, honestly", Marlene said, taking Sirius by the arm and dragging him out. "I told you a thousand times not to—"

They couldn't hear the rest of her sentence as their friends walked away, their heads close together, whispering something. Peter looked back at them twice. Mary sent them two thumbs up before they definitely crossed the door to the main entrance.

"That was smooth", Lily said, pulling James's eyes back on her. Her cheeks were tinged a beautiful, endearing pink.

"That's their specialty."

"We can't take them anywhere, really", she wondered out loud, her eyes making the way their friends had just left in.

"We can", James said, trying to sound composed when for all he knew he was spiritually laid down on the floor after hearing Lily saying _we_ and _propose_. If let loose, his heart could've run around the Hogwarts grounds twice already, so fast it was beating. "Just _silencio_ Sirius and you'll be mostly fine."

"I guess", she said, not really engaging, staring with that same long look she had been directing at him for some time now.

"Yeah", he said, slowly, looking at her face for some tip on what was going on.

"Yeah", she repeated in a soft voice.

"So you wanted to talk?", he asked, raising his hand to comb through his hair in nervousness, but realising what he was doing before completing the motion. Its abortion was probably terribly indiscrete, because Lily's face tensed, as if she was remembering her words from last year. "Is everything okay?"

"I don't know", she said, smoothing her features and pressing her lips together. Her hair fell down on her eyes again, but she didn't bother to remove it this time. "I've been meaning to talk to you for some time now and I just—well, I've been wondering. Everyone's getting along fine but it seems that you and I are just—not."

His stomach dropped.

"You think we aren't?", he asked cautiously.

"I don't know, really", she answered, tilting her head. In which world was it fair that she could look like that, all freckled and worried, when he was trying to get over her? "Sometimes I feel that you're not yourself with me. And I've been thinking a lot about that day by the lake—"

"I'm sorry about that", he said immediately, pushing his glasses over his nose. "I shouldn't have—"

"I know you are", she cut, looking at him dead in the eye. "You've told me."

"Yeah", he breathed, finally letting his hand loose to scratch at his neck awkwardly.

"Anyway", she lowered her eyes. "I just meant to tell you that the world is bloody awful right now but you—"

He raised his brows when she stopped suddenly, seemingly shy for the first time.

"What?"

"I'm not making any sense, am I?", she smiled, shaking her head. "Let me just think of a way to phrase it."

He nodded at her, wondering where she wanted to go with this. Around them, most students had left the Great Hall already, few of them still scattered on the four tables. No one too close to hear them, though.

"I was always wondering about you", she broke the silence a minute later, a faraway look on her face. "I always thought the way you treated your friends didn't fit with the rest of the picture. It's just—it may sound completely bonkers, but I think I get you. Finally. And I always wanted to."

He raised a brow, still confused, ignoring the sudden pounding in his ears.

"You get me?", he inquired, wondering how much thought she'd put into that.

"Yeah. Past and present. Tell me if I'm off, but I think you weren't as comfortable in your skin as you seemed", Lily said, no waver in her voice, leaning closer to him on the table. He could count the freckles that dotted her nose. "I think you were a spoiled boy trying to prove yourself. Similar to everyone else, really, but just too much all at once."

"Ouch", he smirked, trying to supress the urge to grimace.

"There's a reason I'm speaking on the past, James", she said, sweetly, too sweetly, making him swallow around a dry throat. "I could always see how intelligent you were and how brave, but it all seemed wasted when you were being cruel. But this year you stopped that and I understood just how much you care for your friends. It doesn't hurt that you are invested in fighting for what's right—"

"I don't deserve all of this, Lily", he interrupted. If she knew… "The shite I pull – it's not all legal, for one."

"Well, you wouldn't be James Potter if you were a saint", she rolled her eyes with a smile. "That doesn't bother me, even though I would pay a great deal to find out what those illegal activities are. I just didn't like that you acted as if you were a bad person when you weren't one."

"I had absolutely no idea you thought this highly of me", he said, attempting to keep his voice under control, subtly wiping his palms on his pants.

"I do now", she replied, brushing it off with a movement of her hand. "My point is – don't be someone else around me. I can tell you're holding back. You can even mess your hair, I promise not to curse you."

He chuckled.

"I appreciate it."

"What do you say?", Lily pressed, leaning on the table.

"I promise to try", he said, his brain going over a thousand possibilities on his next step. "It's not just feeling guilty, but I'll try."

"It's not?"

"You know it's not", he replied, looking directly at her wide green eyes. "I don't have to tell you."

She breathed, staring him down. "Well, I might need to hear it anyway."

James frowned a bit.

"Why?", he asked. On the inside, his guts didn't know what to do anymore and were honestly close to pass out in sheer panic.

"Because you never got to it", she explained, her cheeks coloured. "And I'm a bit tired of hearing jokes from everyone without you ever addressing it."

"As you remember, I addressed it pretty badly last year", he tried to joke. She huffed. "Well. As you and the whole school know, I fancy you. Have fancied you for quite some time."

"How long?", she inquired, raising her hands to lean her chin on them. Her eyes were a bit crinkled at the corners, like she was holding back a smile. James wondered why.

"End of fourth year", he answered truthfully.

"That long?", she wondered, honestly surprised.

"What can I say", he shrugged, giving her a lopsided, sarcastic smile. "I'm a stubborn bloke."

"That you are", Lily agreed, lowering her eyes to the table. "I want to tell you something, as well."

"What?", he asked, every hope he had squished down coming back in full force.

"It's—I told you, I'm bloody terrified of what's coming", she said in a low voice, tracing patterns on the table wood. "Right now, I feel like I don't belong anywhere. Not at home and not here, where people call me mudblood left and right—"

"Don't say that word", James asked, sharply. Lily looked up at him.

"It lost its meaning, honestly", she admitted, tugging at the end of her plait. "But that's precisely what I was talking about. Ever since I came here, you never made me feel unwelcome. Not once. And even though I was one of the most enthusiastic critics of your behaviour, I want you to know that if I could pick anyone in this school to fight alongside me when I leave this place, it'd be you."

He inhaled slowly, trying to fit that idea in his brain.

"Why?"

"I'm not entirely sure", she said, a smile stretching across her lips slowly. "You're a fantastic duellist, that I know, but… It's always been something else, don't you think? You and I. Somehow."

"What are you trying to accomplish here, exactly, Lily Evans?", he asked, squinting at her from behind his lenses, the pounding of his heart on his ears making his own voice inaudible. "Because if it's anything other than leading me on, it's not working."

She pressed her lips together, holding back a smile, and drummed her fingers on the table twice before getting up.

"I should go", she said. "But there's one last thing."

James gestured for her to go on. "As long as you don't send me to the Hospital Wing on a failed heart."

She giggled, rolling her eyes at the ceiling. "It's nothing like that. I just wanted you to know that I've stablished a date to go out with the giant squid. I hope it goes wonderfully, but I fear it might never work out between us."

James stared at her, wondering if she suddenly had gone mental. "What?"

"Yeah", she gave him one last smile. "Goodnight, James."

"Night, Lily", he said, mechanically, still reeling from everything she had said.

It took him five minutes to understand her meaning, which he blamed entirely on the fact that she smelled of lavender and had eyes too distracting. He ran the rest of the way to the Gryffindor Tower, jumping steps and sprinting in a extremely believable rendition of a madman. When he got there, she was sitting with their mates at her favourite chair, laughing at something Remus was saying. She looked up when he walked in, her eyes taking on that quality – fondness and exasperation, he could see it now – that had driven him barmy during the week. A long, slow look that made him feel like the luckiest bloke on earth.

"If the giant squid is too dumb and loses his chance", he said, walking over to her and not minding the least bit that their friends were looking at them curiously, just as the rest of the students scattered around the room, "would you go out with me? Not that much of a competition for the squid, of course, but if he's out…"

Lily blinked, exchanging quick looks with her two best mates, before looking at him again, those same green eyes that had haunted him for a month or so.

"I would, yeah", she smiled.


End file.
